Brand New Day

I have terror. I have a great job and I am forty years old. I have no children or partner. I have crazy ideas. I think the real problem is, I wasn’t built for an office.

As I sit in my cubicle, I can hear the white noise of the aircondititioning overhead. The air is almost exctly the right temperature. and still. Every once in a while someone walks by quietly. They can’t help it. Heels, loafers, sneakers, they all sound alike on the gray, installation-standard carpet that covers everything except in front of the elevators.

I stare at the screen in front of me. I just figured out how to make both of my monitors work at once. That was my major accomplishment for the day… at least it was tangible evidence that something actually happened.

The words of the document I am reviewing blur and then snap beck into focus.AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!! WHAT AM I DOING?????photo

I hate myself for not being “normal”.

I want to love this relative stability. I want to love having been hired for a career that is respectable and…. in many peoples eyes, exciting. I want to love the amount of things I am learning about government rules and standards and safety… accident reporting.

Maybe it is because since taking this position I have been painfully lonely.

I have no team… well, not a close, physical one… not one that owes beer for getting a truck stuck in the mud… or meets up after work to make dinner and cocktails..

I miss my old work…the wacky, argumentatitive, often lowbrow men (and sometimes women) that staff the bomb picking field…. (We call ourselves migrant bomb pickers) it’s pretty accurate. We go for a season or two and then we find new work. Some of us live on the road full time. There is nowhere for some of us to go back to…. we are a merry band of gypsies.

And then of course, my mind wanders to the sky… I have been cooking up a new plan. A new adventure. I am going to make a video and try to pimp myself on a couple crowd-sourcing sites to fund it.

Please be kind and give me a couple weeks to build it. and then I will present you first, my wonderful reader, the video edit before it goes out.. I will tell you my secret in your ear.


This is the end of Volume One. The next blog post will be at this same address, but up until this point, What I have now is going to print and will be soon available electronically through Amazon.

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